He repeats it but there's no waiver in his voice. Inside of him it unspools for her. His guilt, after the first horror and disbelief and unbearable sorrow had dissipated enough to be felt. Trying to ignore it, drowning in it, living with it so constant his world had been gray. Wrestling with it, taking dangerous jobs in the hopes of -
coming to the realization that there was nothing he could do, no going back, no changing things. Realizing he would have to live with it. Live with it, not abandon himself to it. Guilt for leaving her wove through it all too but he kept his focus, showing her everything vulnerable and shameful about it because it was him. And... he was hers.
The moment, crystal clear on top of a metal girder when he realized he couldn't run anymore. Not in a bottle, not at the end of the world. And the slow, often mistaken way he'd climbed back. The slow and fragile realization that the best response was to live in a way that it would never happen again. The knowing, deep down, that dying to the guilt would fail Yancy all over again. And the healing, slow and gradual that came with the determination to learn and never go back. Never forget. Not Yancy. Not Raleigh's mistake, imagined or otherwise, that had lost him. Learn, go forward, save others. The scars were there, some wounds too deep to ever heal but - they were a strength now. The steel to his determination to make it right.
Coming back to the program was a kind of redemption for him.
Coming back to Gipsy was coming home and becoming whole.
We're all right
He promised it, cradling her hurt himself and giving her all his surety and determination. They'd lost Yancy - he wouldn't let them lose themselves. And he would give that to Gipsy as long and as often as she needed. He wasn't whole completely until she was too.
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timeasmymeasure
last one for the night
Date: 2013-07-31 10:30 pm (UTC)He repeats it but there's no waiver in his voice. Inside of him it unspools for her. His guilt, after the first horror and disbelief and unbearable sorrow had dissipated enough to be felt. Trying to ignore it, drowning in it, living with it so constant his world had been gray. Wrestling with it, taking dangerous jobs in the hopes of -
coming to the realization that there was nothing he could do, no going back, no changing things. Realizing he would have to live with it. Live with it, not abandon himself to it. Guilt for leaving her wove through it all too but he kept his focus, showing her everything vulnerable and shameful about it because it was him. And... he was hers.
The moment, crystal clear on top of a metal girder when he realized he couldn't run anymore. Not in a bottle, not at the end of the world. And the slow, often mistaken way he'd climbed back. The slow and fragile realization that the best response was to live in a way that it would never happen again. The knowing, deep down, that dying to the guilt would fail Yancy all over again. And the healing, slow and gradual that came with the determination to learn and never go back. Never forget. Not Yancy. Not Raleigh's mistake, imagined or otherwise, that had lost him. Learn, go forward, save others. The scars were there, some wounds too deep to ever heal but - they were a strength now. The steel to his determination to make it right.
Coming back to the program was a kind of redemption for him.
Coming back to Gipsy was coming home and becoming whole.
We're all right
He promised it, cradling her hurt himself and giving her all his surety and determination. They'd lost Yancy - he wouldn't let them lose themselves. And he would give that to Gipsy as long and as often as she needed. He wasn't whole completely until she was too.